Neurodivergent Notes: Holiday Edition, Part Three. Neurodivergent Notes is a Sunday Newsletter / Essay I send out to readers each Sunday. These essays tend to be more reflective, personal as I chew on current events, psychology and neurodivergence. To sign up for Neurodivergent Notes you can subscribe here. 

Over the last few weeks, we’ve been exploring the emotional complexity of the holiday season. We’ve unpacked Holiday Syndrome, discussed coping mechanisms that serve you rather than deplete you, and explored navigating boundaries. This week, as we conclude the holiday series, let’s turn to another common challenge: navigating conflicting values and needs — both within ourselves and within our families.

When Our Values and Needs Clash

The hardest decisions often involve some level of value conflict — a reality many of us became intimately familiar with during the pandemic. We had to weigh things like, I value seeing my family or doing X, Y, Z, but I also value my health and worry about exposure. These moments force us to navigate competing priorities, making every social decision feel tense. For those of us with long COVID or chronic health conditions, this type of value conflict remains front and center.

The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy and connection, but it’s also a season ripe with value conflicts. For many of us, it’s a time of tension — especially when our values and needs seem to pull us in opposite directions. A few years ago, I wrote: “My soul longs for connection, but my body craves isolation.” If you can forgive the rampant dualism in that sentiment, there’s something in there that many neurodivergent people relate to.

What we long for (and what we value) and what our body needs can often exist in tension with one another. You might deeply value connection but find that large family gatherings leave you overstimulated and emotionally drained. Or perhaps you value creating lasting memories with your children and loved ones, but the sheer weight of tradition, expectation, and routine disruption feels overwhelming.

For neurodivergent individuals, these tensions can feel especially pronounced. The holidays often ask us to juggle not only our own needs and values but also those of our families, creating a complex web of internal and external pressures.

So how do we navigate the holidays when our inner world feels at odds with the outer expectations of the season? And how do we make space for our needs and values — even when they clash?

Navigating the Gap Between Values and Needs

For much of my life, the holidays felt like a gauntlet. I wanted to enjoy family gatherings, but my sensory system had other plans. I’d leave feeling depleted, irritable, and quietly berating myself for not being able to enjoy what was supposed to be a joyful occasion. There was also a value disconnect here: I valued connection — but I didn’t feel connected to myself or others because of the overstimulation. 

It wasn’t just about my values and needs clashing; the deeper pain came from my efforts to honor my values being thwarted in ways I didn’t fully understand. I went to the gatherings because I valued connection, but the overstimulation made that connection inaccessible.

It wasn’t until my late-in-life neurodivergent discovery that I started to make sense of what was happening:

• I understood my values, but I didn’t yet understand the access needs required to honor them (access needs are the supports a person needs to fully participate, like ramps, captions, sensory supports or quiet spaces).

• I prioritized external expectations over creating the conditions I needed to live out my values meaningfully.

• I carried guilt for not celebrating the "right" way — for finding joy in quieter moments rather than the lively, bustling moments I thought I was supposed to enjoy.

This tension between values (connection, tradition, family) and needs (sensory boundaries, rest, alone time) is something many neurodivergent people know intimately. It’s a delicate dance — striving to honor what matters while also recognizing and respecting our limits.

And yet, I’ve come to see these moments of conflict as invitations. They ask us to pause, reflect, and explore:

• What values are guiding me this season?

• How can I align my choices with those values while also honoring my needs?

• What access needs do I have to create the conditions that allow me to live out these values?

The answers aren’t always simple, and the process isn’t always smooth. But there’s quiet power in naming these tensions and giving ourselves permission to navigate them in ways that feel authentic.

A Framework for Navigating Clashing Values and Needs

One of the most helpful tools I’ve found is anchoring myself in my values — and letting those values guide how I prioritize and communicate my needs.

Values are our compass; they point us toward what matters most. They give us a framework for decision-making, even when the decisions are hard. For example:

• If I value connection, I might choose to attend part of a family gathering, knowing I’ll need a sensory break halfway through.

• If I value rest, I might decline an invitation and instead connect with loved ones one-on-one later in the week.

• If I value tradition, I might adapt holiday rituals to better suit my family’s needs — like trading a loud holiday outing for a quiet evening baking cookies together.

The key is identifying your core values and using them to guide your decisions in ways that feel meaningful and manageable. If you’re new to value work, the value card sort exercise is a great starting point. It can also spark fascinating conversations when done with others! For example, I discovered that autonomy is in my top five values, while my spouse prioritizes community. Having this shared language has helped us better understand where our values overlap and where they differ.

Once you’ve identified your values, the next step is pairing them with a clearer understanding of your needs — including the access needs that allow you to embody those values. Here’s a simple framework:

Identify the Underlying Values

What values are at the heart of this decision or conflict? For example, if you’re feeling torn about skipping a family gathering, is it because you deeply value connection or tradition? Are those values in tension with another, like your health (if you’re worried about exposure) or the need for rest?

Name the Needs at Play

What needs are driving this tension? For example:

• Does your sensory system need quiet, but your heart long for connection?

• Are you craving both solitude and a sense of belonging?

Clarify Your Access Needs

Access needs are the conditions required to fully experience and embody a value. Ask yourself:

• What do I need to create the conditions for this value to come to life?

For example:

• If you value connection but find large gatherings overstimulating, your access need for connection might be smaller, quieter settings. You could intentionally suggest a more intimate gathering with the people you most want to connect with.

• If you value tradition but struggle with long, energy-draining events, your access need might be setting a time limit for how long you stay, so you can still participate meaningfully while protecting your energy.

Consider the Values of Others

The holidays often revolve around shared experiences, which means we’re not just navigating our values and needs but also those of the people we love. Recognizing and honoring these dynamics can open up space for more intentional choices and meaningful connections.

Some questions to consider:

• Are there moments where honoring someone else’s value, even if it’s not your own, feels like an intentional act of love or connection?

• How can you share in their values while also respecting your access needs?

For example, your partner might deeply value upholding family traditions, while you value quiet, sensory-friendly connection. You might decide to attend part of the event, step out for a break when needed, or focus on the moments that feel most manageable and meaningful to you.

Personally, reframing certain activities as aligning with the values of those I care about — my kids, my partner, my family — released the pressure to enjoy them or feel a certain way. Doing things that support my kids’ values, like helping them build memories or have specific experiences, aligns deeply with my own values of nurturing them. Naming this — 'I do this because it matters to them, and that aligns with what matters to me' — has helped me approach these moments with a softer, more grounded perspective.

Prioritizing with Agency and Compassion

When making decisions this season, consider:

• What choices might help me honor my values, meet my needs, and make space for the values of those I care about?

Perfect balance is rarely possible, but small adjustments can often make a meaningful difference. Perhaps it’s shortening the time you spend at a gathering, stepping outside for a sensory break, or suggesting alternative ways to connect that feel more manageable.

Navigating the holidays with intention doesn’t mean everything will be easy, but by approaching decisions with agency and compassion — both for yourself and for those you love — you can create space for a season that feels more aligned.

It’s Okay to Celebrate Differently

Holiday traditions often carry heavy cultural expectations, but your family’s celebrations don’t have to look like anyone else’s. What matters is finding ways to connect and create joy in ways that feel authentic to you.

For my family, this means embracing quiet holiday traditions instead of overstimulating outings. We bake the same cookies each year, cozy up for holiday movies, and build a shared Stardew Valley farm together. These simple traditions bring us connection and comfort — and align with what we value.

If this season feels weighed down by internal or external expectations, I hope you’ll remind yourself of this: It’s okay to celebrate differently. It’s okay to prioritize rest, say “no,” or embrace unconventional ways of marking the season.

Wrapping Up

As we close out this holiday series, I want to leave you with this: Your needs are valid, and your way of navigating this season doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. By grounding your choices in your values and honoring what feels right for you, it’s possible to create moments that feel meaningful — even amidst the complexities of the holiday season.

Wishing you a season that feels manageable and leaves room for meaningful moments — however they may look for you.

If you’re still looking for Holiday gifts for neurodivergent loved ones, we’ve recently updated our Neurodivergent Holiday Gift Guide. This highlights several ND owned small shops as well as a roundup of our favorite sensory/creative/literary gifts for neurodivergent humans. It includes some affiliate links which helps support the creation of this guide as well as our ongoing work.