Neurodivergent Notes: Holiday Edition, Part Three. Neurodivergent Notes is a Sunday Newsletter / Essay I send out to readers each Sunday. These essays tend to be more reflective, personal as I chew on current events, psychology and neurodivergence. To sign up for Neurodivergent Notes you can subscribe here. 

Over the last few weeks, we’ve been exploring the emotional complexity of the holiday season. In week one, we unpacked Holiday Syndrome (if you missed it, you can catch up here), and last week, we talked about identifying coping mechanisms that serve you rather than deplete you (you can read it here or find the visual version on Instagram).

This week, I want to tackle another tricky topic: boundaries — what they are, why they matter, and why they’re often so difficult for neurodivergent people to navigate.

Holidays and Boundaries

The holiday season can be an opportunity to practice boundaries in many forms:

• Declining invitations that don’t align with your capacity or energy.

• Establishing boundaries around personal topics of conversation.

• Taking breaks during events when you need a sensory break.

• Boundaries with yourself, like limiting how many commitments you say "yes" to.

But boundaries can feel particularly fraught this time of year, and for neurodivergent people, there are some unique challenges that make setting and holding boundaries even harder.

Why Are Boundaries Hard for Neurodivergent People?

#1 Feeling We Need to Earn Our Place

Many neurodivergent people come to relationships or social spaces from a place of deficit, we often feel like we need to “earn” the space we occupy. I always thought of this as social currency — I was painfully aware of the space I took up in a room, and I felt the constant need to justify it. If I could offer something clever or knowledgeable, engage in playful banter, or be compulsively helpful to those around me I felt like I’d earned the space I took up. 

As long as I was providing something — as long as I was earning my keep — I felt like I was allowed to be there. For many of us, there’s a deep-seated fear of not belonging or fitting in, which can drive us to overgive, overcompensate, and avoid boundaries altogether. This fear often makes boundary-setting feel excruciating because we’re so worried it might jeopardize our place or relationships.

#2 Struggles Identifying Our Needs

Knowing what we need — and taking those needs seriously — is often harder for neurodivergent people.

• Interoceptive awareness struggles (difficulty sensing internal states) and alexithymia (difficulty identifying emotions) can make it challenging to tune into our needs in the moment.

• Masking teaches us to suppress our needs to socially "fit in," which can make it hard to tune into or prioritize our needs. 

• Invalidation of needs can be a common experience. Because our needs may not always make sense to those around us, they might be met with dismissive comments like, “No, it’s not too bright in here,” or “The soup isn’t too spicy.” This creates a disconnect between our internal experience and the external feedback we’re receiving. Over time, repeated invalidation can cause us to question, minimize, or downplay our own experiences, making it even harder to trust and advocate for what we need.

The result? We often struggle to know our needs let alone take them seriously. We often don’t recognize what we need until our boundaries are overstepped, leaving us to sort through what feels wrong only after it happens. Learning to identify and honor our needs is no small task when we’ve spent so much of our lives minimizing or suppressing them.

#3 Conflict Can Feel Overwhelming

Boundaries can involve conflict — conflict management requires a complex mix of emotions, communication skills, and fast social processing. For those of us who struggle with any part of this (or who have learned to avoid conflict altogether), setting a boundary can feel emotionally excruciating.

#4 Our Early Attempts at Self-Advocacy Were Thwarted

In a conversation with Diane Gould (author of Navigating PDA in America), she shared something insightful: neurodivergent kids are often good at self-advocacy early on, but their efforts often get thwarted and trained out of them. Their efforts to self-advocate often get labeled as too demanding, rude, or inappropriate. Over time, this self-advocacy gets "trained out" of us.

For example, a child might run away from an overwhelming sensory environment or resist an unwanted hug — or might yell loudly “it’s too loud in here” only to be reprimanded for being "difficult." When our early attempts at setting boundaries are ignored or misunderstood, we internalize the message that our needs don’t matter.

The Purpose of Boundaries

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
― Prentis Hemphill, What It Takes To Heal

Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out, and they aren’t about punishing people. They’re about creating a framework that allows for more meaningful connection.

Here’s a super concrete example: If I’m talking to someone and they’re standing too close, I’ll feel uncomfortable and irritated — unable to focus on the conversation. If they stand too far, I might not hear them well, and connection becomes strained.

The "right" distance (a boundary) creates space for a conversation to flow in a way that works for both of us. This principle applies to all boundaries. Whether it’s time, energy, physical space, or privacy, boundaries create the conditions for healthy, meaningful relationships — with others and with ourselves.

Different Types of Boundaries

Boundaries can take many forms. Here are a few, including some that are particularly relevant for neurodivergent people:

• Time boundaries: Limiting the number of tasks or events you commit to.

• Privacy boundaries: Deciding which personal topics are off-limits for discussion.

• Body boundaries: Opting for a handshake instead of a hug, or saying "no" to unwanted touch.

• Digital boundaries: Deciding who can post pictures of you or your family, or limiting your screen time.

• Sensory boundaries: Saying "no" to events that overwhelm your sensory system or building in breaks during gatherings.

• Identity boundaries: Choosing what aspects of your neurodivergent identity (or other parts of yourself) you’re willing to share.

How to Set and Honor Boundaries

Reflect on Your Needs:

Boundaries start with self-reflection: What do I need to show up as my best self in this relationship, space, or situation?

This step isn’t always easy. Many of us have spent years overcompensating socially or ignoring our own needs to "fit in." Often, we only discover a boundary by experiencing discomfort when it’s crossed. Pay attention to these moments — they’re valuable insights into what you need.

Communicate Your Boundary:

Communicating boundaries can feel challenging for many reasons:

• You may struggle to find the right words.

• You might fear conflict or rejection.

• Past attempts at self-advocacy may have been ignored or criticized.

If this resonates, know that it’s not a personal failing — these struggles come from real experiences. To help, I’ve included some boundary scripts below that you can use or adapt.

Honor Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries is only half the equation. Honoring them — and following through when they’re tested — is just as important. If we set a boundary but don’t honor it, it sends the message (to ourselves and others) that our boundaries don’t matter. In some ways, this can be worse than not setting a boundary at all. This is why it’s important to start small and set boundaries you feel confident you can stick to.

Boundary Scripts

Sometimes, the hardest part of setting boundaries is figuring out how to say them. Thankfully, members of the Learning Nook shared some of their favorite boundary scripts this week, and I’m passing a few of them along:

• I appreciate the invitation, but I’m going to have to decline.

• I’ve come to realize the holidays are overwhelming for me, so I’m stripping things way back this year and won’t be able to make that. 

• I don’t do christenings/ hens/ weddings/ functions/ stadium concerts/ long journeys/ full time/ shopping centres. I’ve learned the hard way, I’ll end up sick.

• Thank you for thinking of me but I have to focus on my health right now. Let’s schedule something once I’m feeling better.

• I don’t have capacity for that” or “I don’t think I will have capacity for that

• “I’ll need to take a break during the event; I’ll join back when I’m ready.”

• “I’d love to join, but I need to prioritize rest right now.”

• “I’m not comfortable discussing that topic. Let’s shift to something else.”

Boundaries can feel hard — especially for those of us who have spent years masking, overcompensating, or avoiding conflict. But they are ultimately acts of care. They create the space we need to show up authentically and meaningfully in our relationships.

This week, I encourage you to reflect on your boundaries and notice where they feel “just right” or where they might need a little adjustment. Start small, be gentle with yourself, and remember: your needs are valid, and it’s okay to take up space.

If you’re still looking for Holiday gifts for neurodivergent loved ones, we’ve recently updated our Neurodivergent Holiday Gift Guide. This highlights several ND owned small shops as well as a roundup of our favorite sensory/creative/literary gifts for neurodivergent humans. It includes some affiliate links which helps support the creation of this guide as well as our ongoing work.