Toward and Away Moves: A Neurodivergent Approach to Values-Based Choices
Neurodivergent Notes: New Year Reflections Series, Part Two. Neurodivergent Notes is a Sunday Newsletter / Essay I send out to readers each Sunday. These essays tend to be more reflective, personal as I chew on current events, psychology and neurodivergence. To sign up for Neurodivergent Notes you can subscribe here.
Last week, I shared how I’m working to approach the New Year with fewer rigid goals (which my brain loves to wrap in all-or-nothing thinking) and instead focus on reflection, intention-setting, clarifying my values, and practicing the imperfect art of moving toward what matters to me.
I mentioned the idea of “moving toward or away,” a concept from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and this week I want to explore this concept in more depth and how this framework has been supportive in my own life.
Toward and Away Moves Explained
What I like about this framework is that it’s fundamentally de-pathologizing. It doesn’t treat behaviors as universally “good” or “bad.” It’s all about the context and function.The guiding question is simple: Is this activity serving you? Is it aligned with your values?
For example:
When I drink a green smoothie for my breakfast, it’s not my favorite thing (but my sensory system can tolerate it), but it moves me toward my value of health, so I often do it.
When I pull myself out of the monotropic vortex to connect with other humans, it’s not easy to do, but moves me toward my value of connection and relationship.
Saying no to a project I’m passionate about is hard for me, but when I know it will overwhelm my capacity, I remind myself that I’m moving toward my value of honoring my limits — and my value of having time for my family, since workaholism is a constant pull for me. That said, there are also values I’m saying no to in that moment (meaningful work, impact), so there is a value conflict there. And this gets at how this framework is not always straightforward. It’s rare that life situations fall into a neat and tidy yes or no in terms of value alignment. We might be moving away from some values and toward other ones (more on that in a minute).
Here are some examples of Away moves
I value awareness, presence and emotional integration of my experiences. Shame and rejection are two of the hardest emotions for me. My whole body feels deeply impacted and shuts down. There is a strong urge to turn away from these emotions and numb out and not deal with them. My former self would want to do this with alcohol or my current self might be tempted by numbing out with distraction or indulgent food. And while distraction can be a powerful emotion regulation support, when used for numbing and not dealing with my emotions, then this for me is an away move. A toward move for me in this moment looks like honoring that it’s a difficult moment, perhaps momentarily distracting to regroup, and then revisiting those emotions to feel, process, and move through them. But the pull to turn away is very strong in those moments.
I can get overwhelmed by health stuff, I can also get anxious about it. One way that shows up is in medical avoidance (specifically, medical appointment avoidance). When I do this I'm moving away from an uncomfortable emotion (anxiety, worry, overwhelm), but I’m also moving away from my value of health. So when I avoid making health appointments, or cancel last minute, that is an away move.
Noticing away moves doesn’t mean I automatically stop them and re-direct toward. But it does increase my awareness. So even when I’m making an away move, this framework encourages me to name it without judgment. For example: “I’m avoiding this hard emotion by playing video games right now.” Naming it allows me to come back to that emotion later, and it gives me space to extend myself some compassion for the difficult moment I’m having – honoring how hard it is to turn toward painful, full-body emotions.
Even though I know this is an away move, I’m learning to sit with it instead of immediately trying to force a toward move. Sometimes awareness is enough. Self-compassion softens the urge to judge myself harshly, which in turn makes it easier to turn toward the hard emotion when I’m ready.
The Complexity of Toward and Away
To complicate things (because life isn’t simple), some behaviors can be both toward and away moves at the same time!
Sometimes, I’ll watch a Netflix show to decompress after a long, overstimulating day. In this context, it’s a clear toward move, supporting my value of rest. But on other days, I find myself bingeing an entire season to avoid working on something important or sitting with an uncomfortable feeling. Here, the same activity becomes an away move. It’s not about the activity — it’s about the function of the activity. What is the activity doing for you in that specific moment?
When I drink an afternoon mocha (my favorite beverage), I’m moving toward values of comfort and meaningful work (it helps me get through afternoon slump), but it also moves me away from sleep (impacts ability to fall asleep later that night) and therefore health.
So any activity can be an away or toward move … or both. This gets super complicated when we start looking at substances, like alcohol for example.
Drinking alcohol can serve different purposes, depending on the person and context. For some, it might be an away move — used to numb emotions or avoid discomfort. For others, it might help make socializing more accessible, supporting their value of connection and functioning as a toward move. In many cases, it can be both simultaneously, reflecting the complexity of our behaviors.
This complexity can feel frustrating, especially for someone like me who craves clear answers. But recognizing that a behavior can align with some values while moving away from others has helped me embrace nuance and practice more self-compassion.
This framework isn’t about finding a “perfect” answer; it’s about cultivating awareness. When I pause, I try to ask:
What is this activity doing for me right now?
Is it moving me toward or away from what matters most?
Could it be serving multiple purposes — or pulling me in conflicting directions?
These questions build meta-awareness — a clearer understanding of why we do what we do. And with that awareness comes more space for intentional, values-driven choices, even when things feel messy.
How This Framework Supports Self-Compassion and Agency
I value nuance, though I know it can be hard for our brains to hold. That’s why this framework resonates with me: It’s not about labeling behaviors as good or bad but about understanding why they make sense and approaching them with curiosity, compassion, and intention.
I also have found this framework has unlocked self-compassion for me. Even when I’m engaging in away moves, I can more easily understand why I am doing that and have compassion for the part of me that is struggling.
The framework has helped me to become more aware of my choices, my values (including my value conflicts), and helped me to have more agency.
Today, moving toward my values looks like writing this newsletter (connection and creativity), finally tackling my inbox (honoring commitments), and stepping out of my deep-focus project vortex to address tasks I’ve been avoiding due to stress and overwhelm. It’s a mix of big and small actions, imperfect but intentional, and a reminder that even addressing avoidance is a way of moving toward what matters. I hope this framework helps you find ways to make your own small, intentional steps toward what matters, while also offering more understanding and compassion for the moments when you catch yourself making moves away from something you value.
