From ADHD Masking to Self-Monitoring: How to Shift from Shame to Agency
Last week, I reflected on my personal complexity when it comes to understanding and embracing my ADHD identity, and I introduced a four-part essay series to dive deeper into these complexities. This series coincides with ADHD Awareness Month, which has been prompting my deeper reflection on the nuances of my ADHD experiences.
As an ADHDer, I’ve often found myself struggling to distinguish between developing healthy self-awareness and slipping into masking behaviors. In this essay, I’ll explore the complex relationship (and differences) between self-monitoring, a supportive skill for ADHDers, and masking, which often results in emotional exhaustion and self-alienation.
Neurodivergent Masking
Masking is the process of intentionally — or unintentionally — hiding aspects of yourself to avoid harm. It’s often driven by the motivation to protect yourself from stigma or judgment, and it can be both a conscious and unconscious response. While everyone masks to some degree in certain social contexts, masking in the context of Autism, ADHD, or other stigmatized identities takes on a particular intensity.
Research on Autistic masking over the last decade has consistently shown its negative impact on mental health. The constant effort to appear neurotypical can lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression, especially when the person feels disconnected from their authentic self. The growing body of research has not only led to better identification of Autistic individuals (especially women) but also to a more profound understanding of the internal cost of masking.
Although the concept of ADHD masking hasn’t been as rigorously researched as Autistic masking, there’s growing recognition in the ADHD community that many ADHDers experience something similar.
If you’re new to the masking conversation, you can check out this article where I unpack Autistic masking in greater detail. TL;DR: While masking can offer privileges (like avoiding stigma), it also comes with significant costs: burnout, difficulties in getting a formal diagnosis, mental health struggles, and a profound disconnection from self.
ADHD Masking
In Autism, masking often involves suppressing behaviors to appear more neurotypical. This might include mimicking typical communication styles, repressing stimming behaviors, or forcing oneself to engage in small talk or maintain eye contact, even when these actions feel unnatural.
Similarly, in ADHD, masking refers to the conscious or unconscious effort to hide ADHD-related behaviors to fit societal expectations. This can involve:
Suppressing restlessness or hyperactivity by sitting still or fidgeting discreetly.
Faking focus in conversations or meetings, even when it's difficult to stay engaged.
Holding back impulsive behaviors like interrupting or jumping between topics.
Concealing disorganization by pretending to have tasks under control or appearing more organized than one actually feels.
These behaviors are often attempts to appear more focused, organized, or "in control" than one might naturally be. While masking can offer certain privileges — such as avoiding stigma or bullying — it comes at a high personal cost: emotional exhaustion, alienation from self, and a negative impact on mental health.
The neurodiversity movement has shown us that interventions that encourage masking — like traditional social skills training for Autistic teens — are not neurodiversity-affirming. Similarly, for ADHD, treatments aimed solely at reducing visible symptoms without considering the internal toll of masking can be counterproductive.
Although research on ADHD masking is still limited, emerging conversations in the community suggest that ADHDers experience masking in ways similar to Autistic individuals. The internal struggle, exhaustion, and drive to conform to neurotypical standards resonate across many neurodivergent experiences.
Emerging Conversations in the ADHD Community: While the research on ADHD masking is still in its early stages, community conversations suggest many ADHDers experience masking in similar ways to Autistic people. The internal struggle, the exhaustion, and the drive to conform to neurotypical standards resonate across many neurodivergent communities.
The Role of Self-Monitoring in ADHD
In ADHD treatment, self-monitoring is often recommended to help manage executive functioning challenges. By becoming more aware of our impulses, focus patterns, and emotional triggers it helps a person to regulate their actions and behaviors with intention.
As someone who critiques approaches that seem to encourage masking, I used to feel conflicted about the idea of self-monitoring in ADHD treatment. Couldn’t self-monitoring be just another form of masking? After all, isn’t it just another way of controlling or hiding our natural impulses?
However, after wrestling with this question, I’ve come to realize that self-monitoring is not the same as masking. While masking is driven by external pressures and societal expectations, healthy self-monitoring is driven by internal values. It’s about observing our behaviors and making choices that reflect who we are and what we want, rather than conforming to what others expect.
A surface-level conversation on unmasking can sometimes lead to the belief that authenticity means, "just be yourself, and if others don’t like it, that’s their problem." But in reality, it’s more complicated. What about kindness? What about being aware of how our actions impact others? Sometimes I worry that, in the name of unmasking, we’re throwing out relational thinking — the thoughtful consideration of how we show up for one another. Self-monitoring isn’t about erasing our identity or conforming — it’s about developing awareness and making conscious adjustments that align with our personal values.
Self-monitoring supports people in making more intentional decisions. Unlike masking, which is about shame-filled suppression and concealment, self-monitoring fosters a sense of agency and self-understanding. It helps us navigate life in a way that feels aligned with who we are and what we value, without losing ourselves in the process.
Why Self-Monitoring Matters:
Self-esteem: Being aware of our behaviors and making value-aligned choices fosters confidence.
Social relationships: Recognizing patterns like interrupting or dominating conversations can improve communication and relationships.
Time management: Tracking behaviors helps with staying organized and managing time.
Self-Monitoring: My Personal Experience
Self-monitoring is a skill that doesn’t come naturally to many of us with ADHD, but it's something that can be learned. When we develop this skill, we essentially become observers of ourselves — our thoughts, behaviors, attention patterns and impulses. This increased awareness often has a positive impact on self-esteem, social relationships, time management and our ability to handle emotional triggers in more healthy ways.
In my own experience, I became a hyper self-monitorer at an early age. For example, in school, whenever we covered a topic I was passionate about, I was well aware of my tendency to raise my hand and talk — a lot. So, I started counting how many times I spoke compared to others and gave myself “rules” for how often I was allowed to participate. However, while I could monitor my participation, I was less successful at curbing my impulsive habit of finishing other people’s sentences!
Ideally, developing self-monitoring skills leads to a greater sense of agency and self-efficacy — things that tend to boost self-esteem and improve our overall well-being. A healthy, balanced self-monitor can act as a gentle guide, helping us stay aligned with our values and making it easier to navigate daily life.
When Self-Monitoring Turns Into Masking
However, there’s a fine line between self-monitoring and masking, and the two can sometimes blur together. In fact, masking often comes with what I call an "overly-critical self-monitor". In therapy, before realizing I was AuDHD, I was exploring how I imagined my self monitor. I'm sure many of us have our own unique image of what our self monitor looks like. For me, I had a self monitor that I came to refer to as "the bitch with a whip." I know that's a harsh, terrible term, but it was the image that I had in my head — a woman that constantly drove me to monitor my every action and then punish me harshly when I took a misstep.
Before I discovered that I was AuDHD, I didn’t understand why this internal monitor was so relentless. While I understood the ways she contributed to shame, I also knew she was ultimately there in an attempt to protect me — from judgment, rejection, or failure. In her twisted way, she was shaming me first, hoping to shield me from the shame of others. So I couldn’t easily just “get rid of her” or CBT my way out of her power. Because of this protective drive, it was incredibly difficult to let her go, even though her tactics were emotionally damaging.
This is where the distinction between healthy self-monitoring and masking becomes critical. When I started to unmask I dropped a lot of the “rules” my inner bitch-with-a-whip had been harnessing me with. There was liberation in this. And because my self-monitor had been so cruel, it has taken me some time to come to a new relationship with self-monitoring that feels more gentle, empowering, and agency aligned.
I imagine for many of us who are untangling masking, it can be challenging to reclaim a healthy relationship to any form of self-monitoring.
Ideally, when we develop self-monitoring skills, we are able to observe our behaviors from a place of curiosity and self-compassion. But when that internal monitor turns harsh and judgmental, pushing us to contort ourselves for the sake of fitting in or avoiding shame, it crosses over into masking. The challenge is that, on the surface, these behaviors can look similar — both involve becoming aware of and adjusting our actions in response to external situations — but the internal experience is vastly different.
Navigating the Gray Area Between Masking and Self-Monitoring
There are times when the distinction between masking and self-monitoring can feel murky. For example, when I notice that I've been talking for a long time in a conversation and pull back to allow space for others, am I masking or self-monitoring? When I catch my impulsive urge to say something and hold back to avoid hurting someone's feelings, is that self-monitoring or masking? When I choose not to steer a conversation toward one of my special interests to keep the dialogue balanced, am I practicing self-monitoring or masking?
The key difference, I believe, lies in our internal motivation. At its best, self-monitoring aligns with our values and helps us stay connected both with ourselves and the people around us. For example, when I’m deeply engaged in a topic that I know my spouse has less interest in, I make a point to check in with him during the conversation. That’s self-monitoring. It’s value-aligned because I care about maintaining equity in our conversations and making sure he’s still comfortable.
I personally don’t like when my attention feels hijacked by a conversation I can’t escape, so I try not to do that to others. The same goes for my interactions with my children — I consciously limit info-dumping with them and instead try to stay attuned to their needs in the moment. For me, self-monitoring in these situations isn't about suppressing who I am, but about ensuring that my actions reflect my values and that I’m being respectful of the people I care about.
In these instances, my internal monitor feels like a supportive coach, calmly observing and guiding my behavior. It’s not judgmental or harsh. It helps me move toward a deeper connection — both with my own aligned self and with the people around me. In these moments my self-monitor isn’t calling me names – it’s guiding me closer and closer to the things I care about.
The Consequences of a Harsh Monitor: Shame and Disconnection
Of course, there are times when self-monitoring morphs into something more harmful — a shame-driven voice that compels me to act in ways that are meant to appease others. This voice feels more cruel, filled with judgment, and it doesn’t leave me feeling more connected — to myself or to others. Yet, in those moments, I am still monitoring my behaviors and adapting to my environment. So, is this not self-monitoring?
This is the challenge I’ve faced in distinguishing helpful self-monitoring from harmful masking. Functionally, the behaviors may look similar — observing, adjusting, holding back — but the internal experience is vastly different. A supportive self-monitor allows for agency, growth, and alignment with one’s values, whereas masking is rooted in shame, fear, and the drive to fit into external standards at the cost of authenticity.
Toward a Gentle, Observant Self-Monitor
As I’ve sat with the question of what distinguishes helpful self-monitoring from ADHD masking, I’ve come to a simplified conclusion: self-monitoring supports alignment with our values and cultivates a greater sense of agency, while masking is an identity-management response often driven by shame and self-alienation. On the surface, the behaviors might look similar, but the internal experience is vastly different.
What I hope for my children, for myself, and really for all neurodivergent humans is the development of a gentle, observant self-monitor — one that helps us track our behaviors and experiences in a way that fosters agency and self-compassion. This is a voice that says, "Hey, you’ve been talking straight for five minutes — what would you like to do about it?" or "Hey, you’re craving a [stimulating activity or substance] — what’s behind that urge, and what would you like to do about this urge?"
The masking voice, by contrast, is forceful and cruel, leaving us with only two options: follow its commands or face shame. That’s not what self-monitoring should feel like. A healthy self-monitor helps us pause, reflect, and make choices aligned with our values, not out of fear or a need to hide our true selves.
For those of us with a long history of ADHD masking, untangling the helpful self-monitor from the hyper-critical one is no simple task. It’s a process of deconstruction and reconstruction — of slowly unraveling the knots of shame and judgment that have tied us to expectations that were never truly ours. It’s a journey of healing, where we learn to pull from the wreckage the parts of ourselves worth keeping — the gentle observer, the quiet guide — and leave behind the voices that demanded we become something we’re not. In time, we learn to listen to a softer monitor, one that helps us move with more grace through the world, not out of fear or the need to fit in, but in alignment with who we truly are.
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