Identity vs. Role Confusion: The "Who Am I? Stage
Revisiting Erikson Through a Neurodivergent Lens (Part Six)
This is part six in my series exploring neurodivergent identity across the lifespan through Erik Erikson’s developmental framework. Today’s essay focuses on Identity vs. Role Confusion ~ the “Who Am I?” era. I suspect this is the stage many adults return to when they come into a neurodivergent identity later in life. You can find the earlier essays in this series here.
Linkin Park on repeat, piles of journals, body piercings. I was an angsty teen. My nights were often spent in my room, blasting Papercut as I poured myself into scrap journals — drawings, poems, collages patched together with glue and teenage angst. As turbulent as those years were, I look back with a kind of nostalgia for the aliveness of them. The question, Who am I? pulsed through everything I did.
I was a walking juxtaposition — sporty yet a theater kid, broody and angsty yet a self-proclaimed “Jesus Freak.” I was class vice president who could campaign with confidence but shrink when faced with small talk or group dynamics.
Friendships reflected the same paradox. I could sustain deep one-on-one bonds but struggled in groups, where I learned to stay on the outskirts by being “helpful.” Amidst all this angst, I also found my first oxygen connections — Ryan, my high school boyfriend, and my best friend David. These relationships gave me my earliest taste of what it felt like to be authentically myself in connection with another.
I didn’t have the language for it then, but looking back I can see these were the friendships where I didn’t need to mask, where I could breathe and exist in the fullness of my complexity. Losing both of them by the end of high school — one to relapse, the other to brain cancer — was devastating, and I can appreciate now just how much that shaped me. And yet, I remain grateful for their presence during those turbulent years. They were the first to show me what authentic connection could feel like, long before I knew the language of masking or cross-neurotype interactions.
When I look back at these years, I can also appreciate how much of my identity exploration happened through my interests and passions. Christianity was both a special interest and met my Autistic needs, offering rules and structure. My research and my advocacy around child trafficking in Thailand gave me a sense of continuity and purpose. In those spaces, I knew who I was. In social spaces, though, identity was foggier, diffuse, often performative, sometimes absent all together.
Looking back, I can see that my adolescent identity was shaped as much by values and passions as by relationships. I had a stable inner thread in what I loved and believed in, but my social identity was more fragile, often fractured by masking, exhaustion, or alienation.
For me, teenage identity had a bit of a tug-of-war feel to it: oxygen connections that let me breathe, alongside performative ones that left me depleted. Inner anchors that kept me steady, even as my social world felt shaky. It’s a tension many neurodivergent teens perhaps know well. And that is what Erikson’s fifth stage is all about … identity development.
Table of Contents
Erikson’s Fifth Stage Explained: What Is Identity vs. Role Confusion?
Erikson described identity as a “fundamental organizing principle” that keeps developing across our lives. Part of what he meant by this is that identity gives us a sense of continuity. The feeling that I am still me even as I change and grow and shift into different contexts and roles. Erikson called this “self-sameness.” At the same time, identity also gives us a sense of uniqueness, a way of knowing what makes us distinct from others.
In adolescence, the central developmental task is to weave these together while answering the question: “Who am I?”
When this stage goes well, young people begin weaving their self-perceptions, values, and experiences into a more coherent whole. They can step into different roles, commitments and contexts without losing their core sense of self. When the process falters, however, the result is role confusion, feeling fragmented, performative, or unmoored.
Why Identity Matters: Mental Health and Adolescent Well-Being
Research has consistently shown the importance of achieving a stable sense of identity. Adolescents with a more integrated identity report lower rates of anxiety, depression, psychosomatic symptoms, and even suicidal thoughts (Ragelienė, 2016).
A coherent identity is also associated with greater psychological well-being, emotional adjustment, and stability. In other words, identity achievement is not just about self-understanding, it has a significant influence on our mental health, well-being and resilience.
This is also the stage when peers take center stage. While parents still matter, relationships with friends and romantic partners often carry more weight in shaping self-discovery. Supportive peer relationships are linked to stronger identity development, greater belonging, and healthier adaptation (Ragelienė, 2016). A single close friendship can act as a buffer against loneliness and help prevent stagnation in identity exploration.
When Neurodivergence Enters the Picture
For neurodivergent adolescents, this stage can be especially fraught. In fact, the classic developmental arc Erikson described doesn’t always map neatly onto Neurodivergent experiences. Identity formation may follow different pathways, shaped by unique barriers as well as unique anchors.
Masking and Performative Identities
This is often where masking intensifies. Whether for safety, belonging or acceptance many Autistic and ADHD teens camouflage, adapting to whoever they are with. But it’s nearly impossible to build a coherent social identity when your social identity is constantly being constructed in reaction to others. These masked connections may look like belonging from the outside, but inside they feel performative.
Instead of nourishing identity, they can actually further fracture and diffuse it. And because many teens don’t yet have the language of “masking,” they’re left with a confusing, painful message: the real me must be hidden, because the real me is embarrassing, bad, or unworthy. Masking, then, reinforces a damaging equation: connection = hiding. Self = bad.
Bullying, Isolation, and Internalized Stigma
Energy Drain and Intersectionality
Energy drain. Surviving school environments, masking, and navigating constant misalignment come at a high cost. Much of a neurodivergent teen’s energy is funneled into survival, leaving little left over for authentic identity exploration.
Intersectionality. Many neurodivergent teens are also exploring gender and sexuality during these years. Statistically, neurodivergent youth are more likely to identify as queer or gender expansive. When these identities are unfolding in homes or environments that aren’t supportive, it can stifle exploration and compound role and identity confusion.
But it’s not all barriers. Neurodivergent identity development can also look different in ways that carry their own strengths.
Values as Anchors: The Identity Theory of Autism
Values as identity anchors. Terra Vance’s Identity Theory of Autism suggests that Autistic identity often forms less from external social categories and more from internal anchors, things like values, interests, passions, and lived experiences.
Autistic people’s identities were derived differently, not an amalgam of social intersections, but of the intersections of their values, interests, and experiences.
Parent Tips: Supporting Neurodivergent Teens in Identity Development
If you’re in the throes of parenting a teenager, here are some ways to support their identity development:
Understand that identity may be forged differently. Special interests are not distractions from identity, but central pathways into it. Parents sometimes try to nudge teens away from solo activities toward more social ones. While it’s important to support healthy friendships, pause and notice if your push is fueled by anxiety or cultural narratives that equate worth with extroversion.
Validate their need for solitude. Journaling, art, music, or simply being alone can be fertile ground for identity exploration. For many neurodivergent teens, solitude is restorative, not a red flag.
Encourage authentic friendships over group belonging. A single oxygen connection can be more life-giving than a full friend group. Well-meaning parents may say, “Shouldn’t you expand to other friendships?” but especially for Autistic teens, it’s common to “build a world with a friend.” Honor the depth of those connections.
Support learning about rupture and repair. Autistic and ADHD teens often struggle with friendship maintenance. They may not always understand what went wrong, or how to mend things. Model healthy repair in your own relationship with your teenager. Talk about the difference between intent and impact, and normalize that conflict can be worked through.
Create safe space for gender and sexuality exploration. Neurodivergent teens are more likely to identify as queer or gender expansive. Now more than ever, queer youth need spaces where it is safe to explore and express these identities.
Resist pressuring traditional milestones. Dating, clubs, sports, or driving may not align with every teen’s identity journey. Instead, think about how to scaffold independence milestones proactively. For instance, learning to drive can be especially challenging for teens with dyspraxia or sensory-processing differences and may require extra steps, patience, and support. Similarly, a teen who is academically ready for college may not yet be emotionally or executive-functioning ready. Meeting them where they are rather than where cultural narratives say they “should” be helps protect identity development while supporting long-term confidence.
Have open communication around bullying — especially online. This is a tough but crucial one. Much of today’s bullying happens digitally, often hidden from adults. Neurodivergent teens often carry shame around these experiences and do not bring them forward. Keep lines of communication open without judgment. Let them know it’s safe to share what’s happening. Encourage them to block/report harmful accounts, and step in when necessary to involve schools or platforms. Most importantly, remind them that being targeted is not a reflection of their worth.
Ripples in Adulthood: When Identity Work Is Interrupted
If this stage was interrupted by masking, alienation, bullying, or social rejection, the impact often lingers into adulthood. You may notice a diffuse or fragmented sense of identity. Perhaps you feel you can only be yourself in solitude or within rare oxygen connections. This can make intimacy and community harder to build and sustain.
At the same time, many of the values-based anchors you discovered as a teen, special interests, passions, creativity, often remain lifelong threads. Even when social identity feels unstable, these anchors can provide continuity and a steady sense of self.
There are reasons adolescence carries such a mix of energy, destabilization, restabilization, and aliveness. For many late-identified neurodivergent adults, that season of discovery is revisited. We find ourselves asking questions that echo back to those teenage years: Who am I? What brings me joy? What kinds of connections feel meaningful?
It can feel like a “second adolescence” — a destabilizing process when you’ve already built a life with anchors, routines, and commitments. And yet, I suspect this re-entry into identity work is part of the natural unfolding of late discovery. In many ways, the psychological work that follows learning about our neurodivergence is a return to Erikson’s fifth stage, but this time with the complexity, context, and hopefully wisdom of adulthood.
How to Revisit Identity in Adulthood as a Late-Identified ND Person
Identity isn’t sealed at eighteen. We continue to shape and reshape who we are across the lifespan. For late-identified neurodivergent adults, this often means circling back to the identity work of adolescence with a new lens, language, and self-understanding. Re-engaging with this stage can be both unsettling and deeply healing.
Here are some ways adults can intentionally revisit identity formation:
Return to creative or reflective practices. Journaling, art, music, or writing, or any expressive activity that once grounded you, can become portals back into self-discovery. These practices help you reconnect with the parts of you that may have been hidden, masked or suppressed over the years.
Identify and live into core values. Values provide a stable anchor for identity. Take time to name them clearly and reflect on how aligned (or misaligned) your current life feels with those values. For many Autistic adults especially, values are not just beliefs, they are identity.
Seek out neurodivergent community. Authentic identity thrives in spaces where you don’t have to mask. Finding Neurodivergent peers or community can provide the belonging that was missing in adolescence, offering oxygen connections that sustain growth.
Gently explore masked identities. Many adults come to realize that parts of who they presented to the world were performances for survival. Revisiting those layers, and experimenting with unmasking in safe, supportive relationships, can open space for a more integrated sense of self.
Stay open to identity’s evolution. Careers, gender, passions, and relationships often shift across a lifetime. Instead of seeing identity as fixed, it can be freeing to hold it as something fluid — something that expands and unfolds.
For many of us who discover our neurodivergence later in life, this stage circles back around. It isn’t about recreating adolescence (thank goodness), but about returning to the unfinished work — gathering threads of authenticity, connection, and belonging, and weaving them into the life we have now.
Summary: The Lifelong Question of “Who Am I?” and What Comes Next
Adolescence is often described as the search for self, and Erikson’s fifth stage reminds us just how foundational the question “Who am I?” is. For neurodivergent teens, this stage carries unique challenges — masking, isolation, victimization, and the absence of affirming mirrors — but also unique strengths, like values-based anchors and passions that can sustain identity even when belonging feels elusive. For adults revisiting this stage, especially those discovering their neurodivergence later in life, identity work can feel like a second adolescence: destabilizing at times, yet ultimately a path toward authenticity and belonging.
Coming up, we’ll move into Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation. This stage builds on identity — once we begin to know ourselves, how do we bring that self into connection with others? We’ll look at intimacy through a neurodivergent lens, the survival reasons many of us turn to solitude, and the kinds of relationships that can feel life-giving.
Further Resources
Here’s what’s happening in the NDI ecosystem this week …
🎙️ Divergent Conversations Podcast: Burnout City Wraps Up
I’m so excited to share that Dr. Mel Houser joined us again to help wrap up our Burnout series. In this episode, we dive into some of the cellular-level processes that often accompany burnout — and how they can help explain what so many of us experience. You can listen to the episode here.
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References
Accardo, A. L., Neely, L. C., Pontes, N. M. H., & Colleagues. (2024). Bullying victimization is associated with heightened rates of anxiety and depression among autistic and ADHD youth: National Survey of Children’s Health 2016–2020. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-024-06479-z
2Berkovits, L. D., Moody, C. T., & Blacher, J. (2020). “I don’t feel different. But then again, I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be normal”: Perspectives of adolescents with autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 50(3), 831–843. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-019-04309-1
3Vance, T. (2021, October 17). The identity theory of autism: How autistic identity is experienced differently. NeuroClastic. https://neuroclastic.com/the-identity-theory-of-autism-how-autistic-identity-is-experienced-differently/See also: Vance, T. (2021, December 13). Autism, autistic traits, culture & identity: The identity theory of autism. NeuroClastic. https://neuroclastic.com/autism-autistic-traits-culture-identity/
